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Sunday, July 21, 2024

Pfizer employee accidentally ruins all COVID-19 vaccines

Oh no, this is some really bad news

Bad news, guys. A Pfizer employee just ruined all COVID-19 vaccines. You guys know who did it? Matthew J. Pfizer. Yeah we all knew it was him—he’s so irresponsible. We all know he only got this job because he’s a Pfizer. Nepotism. Classic. 

How did this happen? What could Matty Pfizer possibly have done to ruin this shining beacon of hope? Did the burden of his name drive him toward an attempt to do something beyond his capabilities? Nope, apparently he just left the freezer door open all night. Typical Matthew. So careless and irresponsible.

Yeah, this morning a horrified scientist walked in to find the cold freezer air escaping into the lab, along with humanity’s hope. Everybody knew who the culprit was when they found that container of melted rum raisin ice cream alongside the ruins of the vaccines. Yup, that’s his favorite flavor of ice cream, rum raisin, and he just had to put it in the same freezer as all the vaccines.

What is wrong with you Matthew? You’re an animal. Rum raisin? Seriously? That is the worst flavor combination you could think of. You think you’re so cool because you’ve chosen a unique favorite flavor of ice cream. You’ve just taken garbage pirate alcohol and the worst snack and put them together. Congratulations, you’ve managed to come off as pretentious and trashy at the same time. 

Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla was none too happy this morning upon learning the news. He let the Pfizer heir know that, “He wasn’t mad, just disappointed.” And it should be noted that he is not referring to Matthew’s terrible favorite flavor of ice cream. Although equally appropriate, it is in reference to how Matthew ruined all the vaccines and the world’s hope. Seriously though, rum raisin? 

Moderna CEO Stéphane Bancel is taking no chances. He’s not letting Thomas P. Moderna anywhere near their precious vaccines and he’s no longer letting Tommy Moderna hang out with Matty P. That’s what you get Matthew. That’s right no more playdates and you’re grounded. So have fun eating your disgusting rum raisin ice cream alone while society collapses. 

Written By: Ean Kimura — etkimura@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and it’s content is purely fictional. The story and or names of “sources” are fictionalized.


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