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Davis, California

Tuesday, July 16, 2024

Here’s how to push the human race to new heights in 2024

My pitch for uniting the world, boosting the economy and advancing humankind 


By MALCOLM LANGE —- mslange@ucdavis.edu


Next year holds an important event and its results could upset the current world order for the next four years. This is when our country depends on us to show a united front despite our differences. Of course, by now, you must know what I am speaking about — the 2024 Olympics. 

The Olympics is a multinational sporting event viewed by billions of people around the globe. Approximately 3.05 billion people watched the last games. That is roughly 38.7% of the world’s population. But how do we increase the viewership? Almost the whole world is represented in the Olympic Games, so why aren’t more people watching?

The Olympic Games will host 32 sports in 2024, and people have debated which sports need to be added or removed for years. However, people need to focus on the bigger picture. Adding baseball back in will not drastically change the number of viewers. It is not about adding a new sport but a new league for each sport within the Olympics.

Here, I propose the Drug League. In the Drug League, there are very few restrictions on substance abuse. Sure, Usain Bolt is speedy; he pushes his body’s natural speed to extreme limits. But what about unnaturally? How fast could he run if he were permitted to use any drug he wanted? With the Drug League in the Olympics, we can finally see what humans are capable of to the fullest extent. 

The Drug League will not just have sports where performance-enhancing drugs are permitted; there will also be some in which drug consumption is a requirement, and it will definitely not benefit the athlete. For example, javelin throwing but on acid, pole vaulting after drinking profusely or fencing while on ketamine. This will push the athletes to different types of extremes they otherwise would not have to face. It would give a better scope as to what we humans can endure physically and mentally and showcase the resiliency of these athletes. Do not worry, of course, there will be extensive physical checkups and paramedics for each event to ensure the safety of everyone.

Having a new addition to the Olympics and one as big as this would increase their viewership tenfold. Watching it would be amusing even if you disagreed with the Drug League as a legitimate sports league. A herd of intoxicated athletes trying to clear hurdles as they stumble around the race track? Now, that is entertainment. 


Written by: Malcolm Lange — mslange@ucdavis.edu

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed by individual columnists belong to the columnists alone and do not necessarily indicate the views and opinions held by The California Aggie. 


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