Moo
By AUDREY ZHANG — aurzhang@ucdavis.edu
Remember Caligula? Roman Emperor Caligula? Tried to give his horse a seat in the senate Caligula? Well, if he spent more time trying to get the horse that seat instead of faffing about in Britain, then maybe the horse could’ve told him that his senate was going to kill him. This is why I’m proposing that the new head of the city council should be the beloved cow.
Everyone knows animals are pure in heart. Cows can’t profit off of unpaid labor or refuse to pay their workers a living wage. Cows can’t run illegal businesses — they can’t even read. While it’s true that not all animals are fit for civil service (we all know what happens when there’s an elephant in the room), several cities have already elected dogs and pigs as mayors and council members. I see no reason why a cow wouldn’t be just as good. They already have experience running intensive ad campaigns at Chick-fil-A. Come on, maintaining a charming image despite advocating for the eradication of another species? Dictators could learn a lot from that kind of PR skill.
Conflicts and disagreements would evaporate overnight in the council room. It’s hard to be angry when you’re staring into loving, bovine eyes.
Several strong candidates have already stated they intend to run for the position.
Holy Cow: He’s been blessed by leaders from multiple religions. A worldly creature.
Ground Beef: He’s promised to come out of retirement and return to being a cow if he gets the position.
Moo-lan: She has vowed to bring honor to us all.
Phil: He’s Phil. Enough said.
Call your local representative and show up at the polls. It is your civic duty to make sure that the next council member has all of our best interests in mind.
Written by: Audrey Zhang — aurzhang@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
