Is this wheelie happening?!
By AUDREY ZHANG – aurzhang@ucdavis.edu
What used to be a beloved pastime is now in danger of dying out. Seniors armed with drinking helmets and air horns camped outside of the Silo roundabout on the first day of the quarter were left disappointed as they were denied the show they rightly deserved. Angry murmurs grew louder as rush hour came and went. Someone threw their party hat down in disgust. Against all common decency, bike traffic went smoothly. UC Davis has never seen a darker day.
It’s really been a blow to school morale, and people wanted their complaints to be heard.
“Back in my day, we didn’t use turn signals,” one student said. “We spat in the general direction of the right of way. When pedestrians crossed the street, they would suddenly freeze and act as a beacon for several bikes to start pedaling as fast as they could toward them. We used to be able to yell ‘Strike!’ whenever a biker hits more than two people.”
Another anonymous student voiced their disappointment.
“I have two fake front teeth because of some stupid skateboarder last year,” the student said. “The only thought that got me through those dark times was that I would eventually see it happen to someone younger and stupider. I’m not leaving until someone gives me their teeth!”
It is troubling news indeed, and experts are unsure what caused this strange phenomenon. Nothing has changed from previous years. Students still don’t wear helmets because they’d rather get brain damage than mess up their hairspray. They ride next to buses like they’re hoping for an accident to pay for their student debt (Sorry, but UC Davis is one step ahead of you — the only people paying for your broken hip are the equally broke student drivers). Cars don’t even check the bike lanes before they cut across to make bike pancakes. All this makes UC Davis the ideal breeding ground for wheeled disasters. And yet — zilch. Nada.
To those discouraged, I urge you to be proactive and set an example for our beloved underclassmen. Go the wrong way in roundabouts. Make turn signals with your legs instead, especially when you can kick someone else’s bike. Even better, start riding them like skateboards. Make the ambulances wonder how exactly you managed to end up in that tree.
Written by: Audrey Zhang – aurzhang@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
