Where’s my fly swatter?
By ALLISON KELEHER — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu
Late last night, I was tossing and turning in bed, wishing I could fall asleep. I drank like five cups of sleepytime tea and that did absolutely nothing. I couldn’t sleep because I have an intense paranoia of bugs, and I saw one on my bed earlier. I washed my sheets in bleach three times, but I still felt like I was laying in a bed of bugs. As my eyes would droop, one little pesky thought of bugs would enter my mind. Their creeping and crawling is just too much for me to handle.
Of course, my roommate thinks I’m insane — I’m not. It’s completely normal to have a daily steam shower in insect repellent. Even if she does think I’m insane, I don’t care. It’s like the pot calling the kettle black. She’s just as crazy. She keeps bugs in our freezer. I can’t eat my Trader Joe’s frozen meals anymore because they’ve touched the same air as her little bug jars.
She claims that she needs to do this since it’s for a class, but I don’t believe her. What class has you putting bugs in your freezer?
Also, she’s getting a little too invested into this class. She will go out late at night with her little net and come back with jars upon jars filled with grimy little insects. It’s disgusting. The other night, I swear I heard her talking to her bugs.
So, since I couldn’t sleep, I decided to stay awake and listen to see if she would talk to her bugs again. It took many hours but nothing happened, and I was starting to think that I was losing my mind. Maybe I’m judgemental. But then I heard it. Bzz. Bzz. Bzz.
She was buzzing. I contained my nausea so that I could keep listening. She was doing a bug rendition of “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.” I cracked open my door so that I could get a better view.
It was a sight to behold: she was sitting in the middle of the living room, surrounded by bugs in jars and little candles. To make matters worse, she was dressed as a moth. Not one of those pretty moths either, an ugly one. Bzz. Bzz. Bzz. The song continued.
She reached the climax of the song and suddenly the jars started shaking and the candles began to flicker. This all started to get a little too freaky for my taste so I let out a little yelp. Her head whipped around like an owl, and I swear her eyes were HUGE. Just like a bug. EUGH.
Then, a loud noise reverbed around the room — it sounded like a loud thunderclap. That’s when my vision went blank, and I no longer got to witness my roommate being a freak.
My eyes fluttered open the next morning, and I was sleeping peacefully on the couch. I never sleep on the couch. “Did you have a bad dream?” my roommate asked.
I know what I saw. She can’t gaslight me. I immediately contacted the police, but it turns out you can’t arrest someone for having late-night bug rituals. She may have won this time, but I’m not going to let her get away with this. I’ve set up multiple hidden cameras around the apartment, so I’m going to catch her. And when I do, I’m going to have the last laugh.
Written by: Allison Keleher — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
