He knows what he likes
By ALLISON KELEHER — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu
I’ve spent the entirety of this quarter trying to figure out my professor. On the first day of class, he gave us a two-hour lecture on his life story, which isn’t entirely unusual, because plenty of professors will choose to do that on the first day.
But then, it just kept on getting more and more strange by the day. He would reference his life story multiple times in class and even ask questions in lecture about himself. Following one of these questions, he would say something like, “You should know this, we covered it in lecture.” I always thought that he was simply trying to be funny. Again, it’s normal for professors to have somewhat strange senses of humor.
However, after the midterm he gave, I am ready to expose this professor. In the midterm, it was a 100-question exam all about himself. This is a physics class. One of the questions was: “What’s my favorite tie to wear to lectures?” Sadly, I got this one right — it was the magenta one. If his ego wasn’t already high enough, I would ask him where he got it.
I intend to report this to the administration, but I figured I would start with The California Aggie. Here’s what my professor does regularly:
- Whenever he makes a particularly important point, he will look directly into the lecture capture camera and give a little smile. This one was pretty difficult to spot because the smile is almost unnoticeable. However, once you see it on the lecture capture, it’s impossible to ignore it. He’s like Jim from “The Office.” It’s weird.
- If someone ever tries to take a picture of the board while he is teaching, he will pose for the camera. This happens rather frequently during lectures since he doesn’t post his lecture slides on Canvas. I have a feeling that he doesn’t post them on purpose.
- The professor requires that homework is submitted with physical print copies so that he can grade them individually with a pen. At the end of each assignment, he will draw his own signature in very large lettering. Once, he made the joke that it would be worth something someday, but now I’m pretty sure he wasn’t joking.
- Whenever he has his office hours over Zoom, you can tell that he’s constantly looking at himself on the screen rather than what he is teaching. One time, when I asked a question it took him a second to pull away from his dazzling reflection.
Now, my loyal readers are probably wondering how attractive my professor must be to warrant this behavior. I am not going to answer that question because I am uncomfortable. However, he is alright at best.
The following situation is very embarrassing and hard to read, so I would recommend skipping this paragraph if you suffer from secondhand anxiety. Last week in class, someone took a picture of the board with my professor in the frame. Then, they began giggling over the phone with their friends. My professor clocked this immediately. He demanded to see the phone. Finally, the phone was flipped around, and it was revealed that my professor was making a very unattractive face in the photo. “DELETE IT!” he screamed. “DELETE IT! DELETE IT! DELETE IT!”
Everyone sort of went silent, and we all tried to pretend it never happened. However, after that midterm I must end my silence. Him and his magenta tie are going to pay for what they did to my grade.
Written by: Allison Keleher — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
