Studies indicate that having an enemy is actually good for you
By MADISON SEEMAN— meseeman@ucdavis.edu
As children, we’re often discouraged from using the word “hate.” It’s a “strong” word, adults tell us. But I say that now is the time for strong words; We’ve been told for far too long that hatred kills your soul and bitterness is the enemy of joy. I think it’s time we embrace our natural instincts and fill our hearts with the singular focused ray of hatred that is having an enemy.
Thanks to an anonymous study I saw on TikTok yesterday, we now know that having an enemy is good for you. Blaming all of your problems on someone is healthy: It lowers your cholesterol, or something like that.
When the good goes bad, how do you cope? Sure, you can try yoga or deep breathing or even meditation, but those solutions are all massively unrealistic (and a little boring). Having an enemy is not only realistic and attainable — it’s exciting.
Take last Thursday for example. It started raining, which would’ve been fine if I hadn’t been carrying a small paper model of my room for class.Then, my AirPods died, I ran into my ex and worst of all? When I went to the bathroom after class, the toilet seat was warm.
My soul was dying, and I needed a savior. This is where the enemy comes in.
Geniveve Williams. In fourth grade, she invited everyone except for me to her dog-themed birthday party, even though she knew I was the biggest dog aficionado in class. In the eighth grade, she told Anthony from math class I liked him and then asked him out a week later. In senior year? I don’t even want to talk about it.
But on Thursday, I found out Geniveve Williams had joined a pyramid scheme.
I felt validated — vindicated even. I could feel the joy of her poor decision making healing the scars that day had left on my soul. I felt my vigor for life renewing and my motivation for my chem assignment building back up. I felt a profound sense of peace knowing that wherever I was, Genieveve Williams was doing worse than me.
It’s just like that famous Winston Churchill quote: “Having enemies makes you a better person” (or something like that). The anger Adrian from anthropology inspires in me gives me the adrenaline I need to get that paper in on time. Talking smack about Sara from sociology is the perfect warm-up for that final presentation. Hating Kevin the misogynist gives me feminist points.
I interviewed my friend David Kim, who has a lot of enemies, to get to the bottom of the benefits.
“It’s the only reason I’m passing my classes,” Kim said. “Take Emily for example. She’s involved in all the stages of my academic process. I rant about Emily to warm up for assignments. I blame Emily for all the things I get wrong. And, when I’m done, I hate-scroll through her Instagram as a little treat.”
Olivia Joy — another expert enemy-haver — gave me the inside scoop on how she collects so many enemies.
“I don’t discriminate; Anyone can be an enemy,” Joy said. “That guy walking too slow? Yeah, he’s my enemy now. The girl that won’t stop asking questions in the 8 a.m. lecture? Nails on a chalkboard. My class crush has a girlfriend? New enemy unlocked.”
Whether having an enemy is a coping mechanism, a hobby or a passion, there’s something in it for everyone. So, when the fire alarm goes off at 2 a.m. again, blame your ex-roommate. When you’re late to a pop quiz, blame that pompous electric scooter rider. When you fail a quiz, blame Kristin (she knows what she did). The world is your oyster, and anyone can be an enemy.
Written by: Madison Seeman— meseeman@ucdavis@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
