The Rizzler (me) has spoken
By ALLISON KELEHER — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu
UC Davis is a well-known institution with many bright students and faculty who support the advancement of higher education. With that being said, as a student of this university, I feel it is my duty to share with you the brain rot that is The Rizzler — a young boy on the Internet who rates items from Costco with the Costco Guys and gives them either a “BOOM” for “good” or a “DOOM” for “bad.” Now, I am essentially bringing the BOOMs and DOOMs to UC Davis.
- The basement of Shields Library. DOOM.
- LeShelle May. BOOM.
- The egg salad sandwich in the vending machine in the Olson Hall basement. DOOM.
- The Pantry. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM.
- Slow walkers. DOOM.
- Running into friends on campus. BOOM.
- Muscular man on a bike, riding full speed into a girl on the sidewalk. DOOM.
- People who noisily pack up to leave the lecture early. DOOM.
- Electric scooters. DOOM.
- Bugatti electric scooter. BOOM.
- On-campus jobs that don’t hire you. DOOM.
- LinkedIn influencers. DOOM.
- Unitrans. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM.
- Riding a bike in the cold without gloves on. DOOM.
- The person I keep making awkward eye contact with in the library. DOOM.
- Red Bull ambassadors. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM.
- Scary pre-med students. DOOM.
- Staying in the library until 10 p.m. on the first week of the quarter. DOOM.
- My Peet’s Coffee order not looking like the right color after I just spent $7. DOOM.
- Experiencing someone else’s Peet’s Coffee order all over my backpack after it just spilled three lecture rows behind me. DOOM.
- Digging up a squirrel’s nut it just buried in front of them. BOOM.
- Sitting on the second floor balcony of Wellman Hall as the sun sets. BOOM.
- Eating a crepe from the Silo. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM.
- Spokes french fries. DOOM.
- Aggie Mental Health ambassadors approaching me on a bench and asking me if I’m okay just because I’m sitting alone. DOOM.
- The Grove, Surge III, lecture hall. DOOM.
- Making “Come as you are” jokes. BOOM.
In conclusion, UC Davis. BOOM.
Written by: Allison Keleher — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
