They are just so ugly and unlucky
By SABRINA FIGUEROA — sfigueroaavila@ucdavis.edu
It was a beautiful morning. The sun was glistening and rays beamed through the tree leaves, making odd-shaped shadows on the sidewalk. I was walking to Trader Joe’s, listening to “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield in my headphones and humming along. I pushed the crosswalk button to cross the street and waited for my turn along with many others on their bikes. The cars were still zooming past us, and because we were waiting, I decided to start counting the cars.
One…two…three…four…five…six…seven…eight…nine…te-
The 10th car changed the demeanor of the world around everyone who saw it. It was dingy, gray and Roblox-shaped — it was a Cybertruck. “Unwritten” stopped playing in my headphones; In fact, my entire phone began to overheat so badly that it was close to exploding in my pocket. The shadows of the leaves on the concrete sidewalk turned into skulls, people’s bikes and cars suddenly had flat tires, and drivers started to crash into each other left and right.
The walk signal finally turned on, and as people were crashing into each other all around me, I ran as fast as I could into Trader Joe’s. It was safe. It was peaceful. It was Trader Joe’s. I could finally shake off that terrible feeling that the Cybertruck was coming for me — it could not catch me in here.
I needed to buy Everything but the Bagel Sesame Seasoning Blend and maybe some flowers, so that’s what I did. Even though my morning was marked by a traumatic event, I could still move on. After I picked up the seasoning and hydrangeas, I went to pay for my items. I walked up to the register, excited for the employee to flirt with me. But it didn’t happen. He threw my hydrangeas in a brown paper Trader Joe’s bag — I practically heard them call out for help. He then held up the Everything but the Bagel Seasoning bottle, told me “This is disgusting,” and threw it in the same bag as the hydrangeas. Like, what was going on? I don’t know if he was coked out or what. This was NOT my Trader Joe’s; This was HELL.
I paid and left, making my way back to my apartment. The sun had gone away, and everything had turned a light gray. No one was smiling, and people were still trying to pick themselves up from their crashes. That Tesla truck left the small town of Davis in complete chaos. If the dinosaurs were still around, they’d go extinct all over again — it was that bad.
PING! I received a notification on my phone from Canvas, alerting me that one of my midterms, which was 50% of my grade, had been graded. I had studied for weeks for that exam — day and night, 24/7 — and I felt great about it when I turned it in. I opened the notification as I walked to my apartment and it showed that I got 100%!
I was so happy, and I smiled and thought about how my day was finally starting to look up. I looked up from my phone, feeling like a girl who was going to be okay.
ZOOOMM! From the corner of my eye, I saw the same Cybertruck pass me by. But, nothing happened that time. I looked back down at my phone and suddenly my grade turned into a big fat goose egg — a zero. May Tesla go bankrupt, and Elon Musk, may your life be as pleasant as you are.
Written by: Sabrina Figueroa — sfigueroaavila@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
