Administrative bloat goes bye-bye
This tape was found in a deep, dark room, hidden in the bowels of Wellman Hall:
“I walked into the room, and all I could hear was a chanting, rhythmic and cyclical. ‘Guuuuuunnnrooooooccckk… Guuuuuuuuuuunnnroooooccckkk…’ echoed off the walls of this godforsaken corner of Wellman Hall.”
The tape skipped, crackling slightly.
“I could see, far in the distance (the room was larger than any kind of real-world proportions) some torches and a circle of hooded figures that were swaying, back and forth, back and forth.
“Suddenly, out of the darkness, a hooded man appeared before me. It was Gary May.
“‘Did you bring any sacrifices?’ May had asked me. He was smiling ear to ear, breathing heavily. I made no reply. ‘What department are you from?’ I told him I was from The Aggie. ‘Ah yes, very good. Follow me.’
“I followed him to the other side of the room, where to my horror I found piles of charred bodies at the feet of an 100-foot-tall bronze statue of Gunrock, whose visage looked angry, but as it saw me, I could see his horse mouth turn up into a smile.”
“‘Gunrock will be quite pleased with what we have brought him today. No money means budget cuts, which means a very happy Gunrock.’”
“Down in the flaming circle I saw faculty from every department, but mostly the humanities. In fact I think it was the entire humanities faculty — also the entire managing staff of The Aggie.”
The tape skipped ahead.
“I have hidden in a corner of the room, hoping that they won’t find me. Wait….I hear footsteps… NOOO-”
That was all we found.
Written by: Aaron Levins — adlevins@ucdavis.edu
(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
