“It reminds me of the weather back home,” Satan said
By OWEN RUDERMAN — opinion@theaggie.org
“Summer vacation destination” isn’t usually the first thing that comes to mind when thinking of Davis, CA. Most people get out of the Central Valley during the hotter months, visiting family, taking a trip to the Bay Area or perhaps even traveling below the equator. But for immortal beings damned for their sin, Davis is the perfect location for a summer getaway.
“It’s a really nice way to transition from the flames of the depths, as it’s not too much cooler,” Barbas, a minion of the underworld, said. “If we were to vacation in San Francisco, for example, I think we would just shrivel up.”
As many of us well know, Davis is something of a hellscape during the summer. From around 5 a.m.-10 p.m., it feels like you’re turning into a puddle, which makes the small college town a perfect place for the gathering of the servants of the Father of Lies.
It turns out that every summer, Satan, Prince of Darkness, takes his coworkers and staff for a week-long vacation in Davis to unwind from all the torturing. Some of their favorite activities include visiting Davis Creamery, seeing the cows and strolling through the Arboretum.
“This is all a part of the new team-building initiative the Big Guy Upstairs put into place,” Satan said. “He said that the last report He received from HR reported extremely low morale.”
Unfortunately, this isn’t great news for the residents of Davis.
One student, who asked to remain anonymous, said, “Yeah, last summer I was taking some summer session classes that I needed for my major. But halfway through the quarter, I just… stopped showing up to my classes. I became super prideful and envious. I was eating all the time. It’s like I was possessed or something. Maybe it was the heat.”
On the other hand, Chris Bacon, the mayor of Davis, is thankful for the added tourism income for the city. When most of the college students leave for the summer, Davis becomes much less active.
“If [the Demons] want to roam around Davis and inflict unimaginable suffering amongst the locals, I say let them,” Bacon said. “They spend an absurd amount at the Farmers Market.”
The California Aggie asked God, King of Kings, for a comment, but received no response.
Written By: Owen Ruderman — opinion@theaggie.org
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed by individual columnists belong to the columnists alone and do not necessarily indicate the views and opinions held by The California Aggie.
