A not-so-merry standard encounters a camaraderie
By NEVAEH KARRAKER — nakarraker@ucdavis.edu
The quote “Let’s enforce the idea that women are born equal, not made equal by their experiences,” was written in fading sharpie on the walls of the women’s restroom in Bainer Hall on campus.
More anonymous quotes: “Stand strong, young women. XO from a 66yo grandma and former teacher,” and “Si se puede cariño <3.”
In the science, technology, engineering and math (STEM) world, women often stand alone in a room full of men. We’re required to be polished and poised — if we choose not to wear makeup or dress more casually than business attire, our voices go unheard and our authority is doubted. In comparison, no one bats an eye when a man shows up in a wrinkly T-shirt and with obstinate bed-head. This discriminatory double standard is so familiar and ingrained in society that most women have just accepted it.
Yet, most women don’t publicly criticize this misogyny — not because it goes unnoticed, but out of fear of being accused of “overreacting” or being “too emotional.” To challenge these inequalities would be to risk losing the fragile respect we already struggle to earn.
And so, the partiality becomes an isolative sentence: silently noticed by many, voiced by few. When it is voiced, it’s only for the eyes and ears of other women — in this case, somewhere as informal as a bathroom.
The encouraging messages painted on the walls all address the same social issue of immoral standards. There’s a subtle privacy to nameless confession — an ironic safety in exposing yourself through graffiti in a public restroom. Vulnerability is much less of a burden when shielded by anonymity. Almost all women, multigenerational and culturally diverse, can relate to the sexism in the STEM branch, but discern that they must endure it privately.
Holidays are a direct parallel of this: The same emotional suppression exists, but in a different setting.
There’s an expectation to be fully present, joyful and grateful as we decorate the Christmas tree or attend a family function. Instead of an expectation of professionalism at work, we’re expected to bring a feminine positivity to gatherings.
Despite the season of celebration and joy during the holidays, seasonal depression is a universally common struggle. Yet, it may not all be due to the drop in temperature or stressful exams; emotional struggles also interrupt the festivities and dim the twinkling lights. Rather than acknowledging and attending to those feelings, we mask our grief, fake a smile and hope to (somewhat) enjoy the day — if we can survive the stiff environment at all. Amidst the togetherness, we feel dreadfully isolated as we convince ourselves we’re a liability.
While vulnerability during the holidays may not come with the safe disguise of anonymity — like the walls of the women’s bathroom in the engineering building do — the people we enjoy celebrating with should still be a source of comfort. It’s important to recognize that both joy and grief can coexist during the holidays. It’s not a weakness, and it doesn’t jeopardize the festive spirit; it proves we’re all human.
If you succumb to the sorrow of the early nights over winter break, remember that the quiet encouragement that is written on the walls of Bainer Hall surrounds you. Whether it’s friends, family or even a stranger who understands more than you might expect, let others in and let them support you.
Although the holidays encourage brightness, exultation and togetherness, what is needed most during this time is compassion. If some graffiti written by a stranger can be sincere enough to inspire, imagine the power of intentional interactions. Beyond enclosed walls, true support is simultaneously present for both accomplishments and hardships — proving strongest when it’s shared in the open; vulnerability has an unexpected effect as it breaches the bridge to form an intimate connection. Perhaps this season and beyond, let’s give ourselves and others the permission to be open and authentic.
Written by: Nevaeh Karraker — nakarraker@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed by individual columnists belong to the columnists alone and do not necessarily indicate the views and opinions held by The California Aggie.
