The former secretary of state will just be chillin’ at the 102nd installation of Davis’ hallmark event

Hillary Clinton will come to UC Davis for this Saturday’s Picnic Day in an effort to increase Millennial approval for her candidacy for the democratic nominee and President of the United States. But she’s not just interested in the parade — Clinton will be making a trip down good ole Russell Blvd to enjoy the finer things Picnic Day has to offer: blue and gold Jell-O shots and tepid beer.

As soon as Hillary’s PR team heard UC Davis would have its own Snapchat story for this annual event, they jumped at the chance to have her appear to be relevant. Can’t you just picture her saying, “I’m just chillin, in Davis, California,” on her Snapchat as her pointy fingernails aggressively tap the iPhone screen?

Imagine Clinton chugging from a beer bong as frat boys yell in her ear, the whole ordeal recorded in a 10-second clip for all Snapchat’s users to see. Precious. But we’re not interested in beer bong. What we really want to see is Clinton go to town on those blue and gold Jell-O shots — a Picnic Day tradition. Will she fit it all in her mouth at the same time? Does she run her finger around the rim before swallowing it whole? Or will one of the local frats have to bust out their least crusty tupperware for her to eat off?

Sally Marvin, Hillary Clinton’s assistant, had this to say about Chillary’s historic visit:

“This is a really big deal to her. We’ve been doing research on what outfit will make her look most approachable and “down-to-Earth” for months. We finally settled on linen trousers from Banana Republic and a crochet bralette from Nasty Gal,” Marvin said.

Some things for Hillary to keep in mind on Saturday:

When a frat boy invites you into his room for “the good stuff” he doesn’t just want to watch you do a handle pull of his Kirkland brand vodka. Watch out. And be careful of the jungle juice — it may taste like Kool-Aid, but it’s dangerous.

And Hills should finally remember that what goes on social media stays there forever: you can’t just hide it away in an email.

Hillary will be live tweeting this entire experience, you can follow the hashtag #TheOnlyBurnIFeelIsTequila for updates.

You can reach ALEX GUZMÁN at almguzman@ucdavis.edu and on Twitter @cactasss, or find her on Saturday shouting “Seven, Seven, Seven!” as Hillary slaps the wine bag.

We were just outside Davis, on the edge of East Covell, when the horse tranquilizers began to kick in. I remember my editor calling on the cell phone, yelling, “Holy Jesus, where are you goddamn animals? I want an article about the Second Friday ArtAbout by Saturday morning or you’re fired.” I threw the phone out of the car and into a ditch before the bastard could utter another word. My friend and lawyer Pigso had joined me in the mission. Not because he was into art, but because he was hungry and in need of the free snacks and booze offered at every gallery looking to attract patrons.

We reached the Natsoulas Art Gallery at half past five. It was the size of a small castle with a giant blue crystalline head of a dog perched in the

front — or maybe that was the horse tranquilizer speaking. It was a pleasant experience until I reached the second floor. Half of the paintings depicted nightmarish scenes of violence, creepy surrealism, apocalyptic landscapes and creatures that looked half-human and half clown toy. The horror reached its climax when one of the heads popped out of the canvas and frightened the bejeezus out of me. I screamed “Agh! Go back to being paint you art-possessing demon!” I turned around to see Pigso looking disappointed. “I think you’ve had too much tranquilizer,” he said. He dragged me out of the gallery, giving a polite nod to the clerk at the info desk who was wondering why an anthropomorphic fat pig was shoving a six-foot blue horse outside.

After taking a break to get some much-needed fresh air, we headed to our next stop: the Pence Gallery. There, groups of people had already arrived and were comfortably sightseeing floral-inspired artworks. As soon as I got into the groove of taking in the soothing imagery of roses and orchids, I heard Pigso getting into a heated argument. Some poor chap made a pig joke about him and his eating habits at the complimentary snack bar.

“Who are you calling a pig, you dirty stupid Pig!” yelled the stranger.

“I’m talking about you, ya dumb ape. You got nothing better to do than make smart*ss jokes? I’ll have you know I’m a licensed attorney.”

“Come on buddy, let’s get out of here,” I said, taking Pigso by the arm.

Wrestling Pigso out of the gallery wasn’t as tough as talking the owners out of calling the police. I told them that he had a bad heart and his drug prescription made him irritable.

We continued to the next spot on the Art Walk on hoof. By then it was dark, and the streets seemed busier than ever. Crowds of students prowled about with friends, lovers, co-workers and everything in between. I could see bars everywhere, filled to the brim with people drinking, talking, laughing and staring at their phones. Second Friday was in full swing.

We stepped inside the next gallery to see the cramped office of a guitar maker. In one room was an audience listening to a string performance of light folk music and in the other room was a workshop filled with wood shavings, tools, half-finished instruments and bottles all over the place. A few people managed to fit themselves into nooks and crannies so they could carry on conversations. Pigso and I helped ourselves to some beer and what looked like store-brand Chardonnay.

Talking with the people was a much more enlightening experience for us. The music was good, the craftsman knew his trade well and just being in his studio made viewing his work feel more special and intimate. You wouldn’t have the same comfy experience meeting whoever built your iPhone or meeting the poor farmer who grew your cheap coffee.

Realizing how much time had passed and how we had to cover the rest of the ArtAbout, I gathered Pigso from a blonde-haired dame he was attempting to chat up and we headed off to the next spot, conveniently located next door.

This place got on my nerves. Aside from the dry cookies and cheap Prosecco, I couldn’t wrap my head around the paintings. They looked like cement surfaces with scratched markings and smeared compost colors. I knew abstract art had to at least be interesting to think about, but this one escaped me. Did not seeing the beauty of these pieces mean I was out of the art loop? Pigso had the right idea to ask the host about the art’s meaning. She simply replied, “That’s a good question. Whatever you think it means.” Needless to say, we both felt cheated and left without anything good thing to say.

Our last spot was further down the road, past another bustling brewery flanked by a line of chain smokers and homeless people in the traditional drab clothing.

We finally reached the place and discovered a gallery that looked like an elaborate gift shop. Everything in sight was either a decoration for sale or an impressive piece of art for the price of $4,115. Nothing was not for sale — with the exception of the guest artist exhibit that was taking place in a significantly smaller room.

Pigso smiled at one painting of a cow: “Hey Gunner, this one looks like Tony. Don’t you think?”

“You know what, I think it does. Didn’t think he had it in him to pose nude.”

By then, it was all over for us. Second Friday was done and there was nothing to do but make our way home. That and drop by a few pubs and frozen yogurt stops on the way. Pigso was sure content after getting enough free samples and enough artist business cards to send his credit card bills. I was still left with my dimwit editor’s Saturday deadline, which I was confident I could finish by Monday.

If there is anything I can praise about the Second Friday ArtAbout, it’s that it got me thinking about ugliness, beauty, hard work, easy money, the price of popularity and the costs of obscurity. If a tourist ain’t interested in confronting the nuances of life, you could just call it a good night out.
You can reach EVAN LILLEY at etlilley@ucdavis.edu

U.S. National Women’s Soccer Team calls for fair pay

Last week, members of the U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team filed a suit against the U.S. Soccer Federation, claiming unfair wage discrimination in relation to their male counterparts. The teammates say that, despite bringing in almost $20 million in revenue last year, they make nearly four times less money than the men’s national team.

This is a championship team that represents the United States, and there is blatant discrimination occurring with no reasonable explanation. According to ESPN, the U.S. women’s national team took home “$2 million when it won the World Cup last year,” while a year before in Brazil, the U.S. men’s team “earned a total of $9 million despite going just 1-2-1 and being knocked out in the round of 16.”

These two performances are not even comparable. The women’s performance blew the men out of the water, and they were rewarded $7 million less than the male team.

Wage inequality isn’t the only problem facing the world of professional soccer — there is a glaring lack of respect shown toward women athletes. The 2015 World Cup was played on artificial turf — an injustice that male athletes would never have to consider in a professional setting. Turf can heat up to uncomfortable temperatures and can subject athletes to harsh and unforgiving turf burns.

In another instance, former FIFA president Sepp Blatter has long been criticized for his sexist attitude toward women. Blatter, who resigned his position as president in 2015 following accusations of criminal mismanagement, once suggested that female soccer players wear tighter shorts to bring more allure to women’s soccer.

Examples of this overwhelming disrespect toward female athletes can be seen in nearly every sport. In March, the tournament director for the BNP Paribas Open, a high-profile professional tennis match, said that female tennis players “ride on the coattails of the men” and “If I was a lady player, I’d go down every night on my knees and thank God that Roger Federer and Rafa Nadal were born, because they have carried this sport.”

Serena Williams, the No. 1 ranked women’s tennis player in the world, fired back, saying “I don’t think any woman should be down on their knees thanking anybody like that […] we, as women, have come a long way. We shouldn’t have to drop to our knees at any point.”

WNBA player Diana Taurasi recently commented on the suggestion that the women’s basketball rims should be lowered in order to increase excitement of the game, saying, “Might as well put us in skirts and back in the kitchen.”

This even extends to UC Davis, where, most recently, the women’s club rugby team had a national championship game canceled because the fall championship team had graduation the same day. In an op-ed published by The Breakdown about how women who play rugby consistently battle negative stereotypes, senior captain for the UC Davis women’s club rugby team Caroline Sequeira wrote that USA Rugby knew of the scheduling error, but failed to notify other club teams. As a result, along with a “flurry of microaggressions,” Sequeira addresses what looks to be a societal resistance to accepting women rugby players.

“To put in so much effort and come as far as nationals without the promise of a title feels worse than any injury my players have ever had on the pitch,” Sequeira writes. “[I]t feels as if all of [my teammates effort] doesn’t count.”

Gender discrimination in professional and collegiate sports is a systemic problem that must be addressed. For the U.S. Women’s National team, this inequality can begin to be addressed by compensating them fairly for their work and performance. For the club rugby team, the women should be treated with the standards that men’s teams face.

It’s 2016, and it’s about time for women athletes to be given the same recognition and compensation as their male peers.

Stay safe and have fun

This Saturday, April 16 marks UC Davis’ 102nd annual Picnic Day.

To some families, this means decades of long-standing attachment to the university, while to others it means a celebration of the campus’ academic achievements over the years. For many students, this day serves as an opportunity to stagger around town inebriated at 6 a.m. Whatever the case, it is important to remember that this Saturday is often viewed as the most important day of the year for the UC Davis community.

With this being said, the Editorial Board urges UC Davis students and community members to keep a few things in mind as celebrations for this weekend are underway.

Firstly, Picnic Day is an entirely student-run event, and is often cited as the largest student-run event in the country. The Picnic Day student organizers work tirelessly all year long not only to ensure that the day runs smoothly, but also to ensure that it meets the expectations of the thousands of attendees that join the celebrations each year.

While a day of alcohol-filled memories (or lack-thereof) might sound appealing for a lot of students, there are over 200 educational and entertaining events held on-campus ranging from the morning parade, to Doxie Derby, to Battle of the Bands, to liquid nitrogen ice cream-making. Take some time to appreciate the diverse events hosted all over campus and take pride in knowing that they are especially unique to UC Davis.

The Editorial Board also wants to remind students to be respectful and responsible this weekend. People from all walks of life, including prospective students, come to join in on the festivities, so be respectful of your fellow Picnic Day-loving friends and remember that your decisions on Saturday might not only affect you, but also those around you.

Last but definitely not least, be safe and have fun! For the most part, these two things go hand in hand. Happy 102nd Picnic Day, Ags!

This past Saturday, UC Davis hosted Decision Davis, a day for admitted students and their families to visit the campus to help decide if this is the school for them. In honor of the incoming class of Aggies, the Editorial Board has compiled a list of things we didn’t know about Davis before we came here — though we wish we had.

1. It gets cold and wet (for SoCal folks)

If you’ve had the privilege of growing up in Southern California, your idea of cold weather is probably anything that’s under 60 degrees. So please, please, please heed this warning, from one SoCal transplant to another: it actually gets cold in Davis! And not just “oh it’s chilly I think I’ll put on a cardigan” cold but rather “you’re biking to your 8 a.m. class winter quarter and you’re genuinely afraid your fingers are going to get frostbitten” cold. For Northern Californians, Davis might not seem that cold, but if you’re coming to Davis from any part of the state where it rains three times a year, be prepared for actual wintry weather. Invest in a pair of gloves for when you’re biking to class, leave the heater on all day if you’d like (and be glad you don’t have to pay for utilities while in the dorms) and stock up on tea bags and hot chocolate packets for those chilly, rainy days.

2. Mexican food is good (for NorCal folks)

Picture your favorite SoCal Mexican restaurant. Maybe it’s a hidden treasure that you’ve been frequenting since you were a kid, maybe it’s an authentic, family owned favorite. Whatever you are picturing, nothing in Davis will compare. Your NorCal friends will rave about the carne asada fries at El Burrito and become regulars at El Toro Bravo’s taco Tuesday, while you daydream about the Mexican food you left behind in SoCal.

3. Fearless squirrels

On an average campus, squirrels are peaceful woodland creatures who frolic among trees and scatter when you come within three yards of them. At UC Davis, however, the furry nut-eating gremlins are far from the adorable animals seen on Saturday morning cartoons. Don’t bank on squirrels getting out of your way as you’re biking through campus. Your best bet is to swerve around them lest you hit one and feel the wrath of a dozen other squirrels gnawing into your bike tire to avenge their friend. If you’re eating, make sure to keep all acorn-sized food in covered containers and if you’re walking under trees, beware of falling rodents. Other than that, the squirrels make cute Snapchat stories.

4. Allergy epidemic

Think you have allergies? Just wait until spring quarter at UC Davis. By week three, you won’t even remember a time before your clogged nose, itchy, red eyes and inability to breathe. Your inhaler will become your best friend. Your second best friend: Kleenex. In the spring, students and professors become immune to the sound of sniffling noses and wheezy breaths. The worst part about this phenomenon is the fact that these allergy symptoms manifest themselves the same way as a common cold does. It’s confusing and very annoying, but rest assured that those Emergen-C packets from Rite Aid aren’t the cure to your scratchy throat. Try investing in some Claritin. On the bright side, allergies can be used to your advantage. Allergies can be rough, so give yourself a break: take a day off, lay low, stay inside, maybe break out the Netflix. But try not to use allergies as an excuse too often; remember there’s an outside world out there, and it’s beautiful — especially in Davis.

5. You will get in a bike accident

You think you’re doing everything right — you didn’t bike on the first day of the quarter, you avoid traffic circles during passing periods and maybe even leave for class early to avoid biking with rushed students. But, inevitably, the day will come when you get in your first bike accident. Whether it is your fault, or some other careless biker smashes into you, don’t be embarrassed. Think of it as a rite of passage into the world of UC Davis.

6. Good place to OD on boba

If you think college is all about drinking, you’re right. Though vodka sodas are common drinks of choice for Friday night, the more frequent beverages are gallon jugs of boba. If you’ve never heard of boba (or haven’t ventured a mere five minutes into Davis), boba is a Taiwanese bubble tea filled with chewy tapioca pearls. The days of Starbucks-carrying college students are long gone. The more modern crowd accompany their 7 a.m. lectures and late-night study sessions with a chilled, tapioca-filled glass of sweet milk tea. With 20 boba shops stationed around the city dishing out drinks to thirsty college students, you never have to walk far to get your daily tea intake. The only problems are choosing where to go and dealing with the boba cup-sized hole in your wallet.

7. Pressured to take a moment for gay rights/pledge to CALPIRG

If you’ve ever walked around UC Davis for a day, you know to keep your head down, earbuds in and to walk fast and sternly as if you’re perennially in a rush. No, this isn’t to deter potential muggers. Lurking in the corners of the Memorial Union walkway are friendly-looking clipboard holders who will extend their hand as a plea for you to take a moment for gay rights or pledge to CALPIRG. The smiling, T-shirt-wearing individuals look safe enough, but after four years of constant solicitation, you’ll learn to heed our warning. Don’t make eye contact or you’ll turn to stone, or worse, sign up for a $20 monthly plan for the rest of eternity.

8. We actually have a newspaper

Contrary to popular belief, UC Davis has a daily, student-run, online-only newspaper, The California Aggie. The Aggie serves as the oldest news source on-campus, providing all students, staff, faculty and community members the most interesting information they need to know about Davis. Another surprising fact: there is actually news to report on in Davis. Although local breaking news, like the pepper spray incident, doesn’t happen on a daily basis, The Aggie’s reporters and photographers feature a wide variety of topics and events, including UC Davis athletics, art shows, student organizations and ASUCD meetings. With over 100 staffers working in the deep, dark, windowless depths of their Lower Freeborn office, The California Aggie is your number one stop for all UC Davis news. Check out their website, like their Facebook page for daily updates and subscribe to their weekly newsletter here!

9. You will get lost in the Death Star

When entering the Death Star, remember to bring your Death Star starter kit: a year’s supply of food and water, sleeping bag, tent, fire-starter kit to cook, sunglasses (it’s bright in there) and flares. By entering the Death Star, you have 10/10 chance of getting completely lost. Nobody knows how many students at any given time are stuck somewhere in its depths; it might take a few months — sometimes years — but they appear again eventually. Just make sure you don’t enter with the mindset that you know where you’re going, because you don’t (and you never will). YouTube is riddled with “How-To” guides on navigating the Death Star, but unfortunately they’re no match for the real deal. Just ensure you say proper goodbyes to friends and family before you decide to brave the Death Star. It might be a while before you see them again.

10. Ninety percent of your diet will consist of late-night cookies

If you’ve had a well-balanced diet your entire life, prepare for things to change. The freshman 15 is real and it comes in the form of warm, chocolate chip cookies served after 8:45 p.m. in unlimited amounts. Served in clear plastic bowls, the freshly baked delicacies are dished out in twos (or if you’re a cookie connoisseur, dozens) for late-night munchers to fuel up on before all-night study sessions. If you’re not feeling the post-9 p.m. Dining Commons ambiance, swipe out a box of cookies for your private eating pleasure. For vegans, the DC offers delicious animal product-free cookies as well. Yeah, your jeans will fit a bit tighter after week three, but hey, that’s just the way the cookie crumbles.